13 things you must do before starting your new eating plan

Guest post by Jim McCaffree

Beginning a big change in life can seem daunting, whether it’s changing your career, starting an exercise regimen, or changing your eating habits. Steven Pressfield writes in The War of Art, Resistance rears its ugly head when you begin “Any diet or health regimen.” Or anytime you try to improve yourself. Here is a tongue-in-cheek list of 14 things you need to do to before beginning your new eating plan to make sure you eat a healthful diet without Resistance.

1. Eat all the things in your refrigerator you won’t be able to eat anymore. Even those in the freezer. You don’t want them to get freezer burn. That’s just wasteful. And if you don’t have those foods at home, go out and eat them, as a fond farewell. What about the vegetables rotting in your crisper? Toss them. You’ll be eating enough vegetables soon enough. This is a goodbye party, not a funeral.

2. Buy more fruits and vegetables than you can possibly eat in a lifetime, let alone a week. Especially those exotic fruits and vegetables you walk past in the produce department without a second thought. They’re expensive, so you know they must be really good for you. Especially the ones that look like they could be large spiders.

3. Buy clothes that are two sizes too small for motivation. Ideally, you should have a complete motivational wardrobe that’s two sizes too small. Burn your current wardrobe. You’re a diet Viking storming the shores of Health Island. Burn the boat to really commit to waging the war on fat.

4. Pick a “target mate.” This person should be way out of your league, so as to provide motivation. They may still be out of your league even after you lose the weight, but goals are important. (This assumes you’re single. If you’re with someone, just keep this on the DL.)

You’re on your way to sexy immortality!

5. Cleanse yourself of all the stuff you gorged on, with some juice or tea that really...um, “cleans you out.”

6. Learn how to cook.

7. Buy cooking utensils.

8. Buy plates.

9. Buy silverware.

10. Join a gym, the more expensive the better. Preferably one with a pool or hot tub. You need to cool down—or warm down?—after your workout. Or cool/warm down instead of the workout, in order to be better able to visualize the end of the workout next time. Your first day, walk in the gym, look around for a minute, then walk out. Sometimes, that’s all you really need to do, especially when first starting a fitness regimen. The next day, touch a machine. And so on. Baby steps.

11. Hire a personal trainer, as physically attractive as possible. 

12. Cut off all contact with family and friends. Work from home, if at all possible to avoid workplace snacks. You need to cocoon while the butterfly that is the future you develops from the pupa that is present you. 

13. Destroy all mirrors. Don’t just put them away or toss them. Shatter them. Then spread the shards on the floor and perform a voodoo ritual around them. Then melt them. You don’t know how? Hey, no one said dieting was easy.

So there you go. Everything you need to do and buy before starting your New Year resolution diet. You’re now on your way to sexy immortality!

Jim McCaffree is a freelance writer in Los Angeles, and has been an editor and writer for the Journal of the American Dietetics Association. You can read more silly writing at his Silly Writing Blog.